22.10.2008-A day with sadness

HAPPY SWEET 16TH BIRTHDAY to my di-di=)



I hope you had an awesome birthday celebrating with your friends... Heard that you went to chalet, so GOOD!!! I haven't even been to chalet before... SIGH:( So I hope you should be proud of yourself that you've beaten me to it:P Anyways, I know it's sad that it's the last year of secondary school, and the thought of going separate ways with your friends are quite tormenting at times... I've been through that stage of graduating high school last year, the thought of studying there for 3 years had left me with so many wonderful memories, and especially the friends I've made there will never be forgotten:) Therefore, don't be sad since you'll still be able to meet up with them, as they are all from Singapore, and should live around Woodlands anyway...:)

Today is the day where it has marked another significance in my life as well... It's the day where certain things have to be let go of seriously... A bit more than 3 weeks ago, I confessed to you that I think I'm starting to, or perhaps even fallen in love with you already... I hesitated alot, but still decided to go along with the confession, though I was prepared that you'd say you are in love with someone else too... At first, I thought it's only me who thinks that you like that certain someone, and also thought it's cause I like you, so the perspective of me thinking you like her is a form of bias... But as time goes by, as you tried to keep more to yourself, and the way you respond to questions just confirmed that you do like her... Activities and scenarios, and even other people had sensed something between you and her, together with your way of denial just made everything seemed so obvious, although I know there is another complicated relationship linked there as well... You said I don't know the story, but I wouldn't know when you wouldn't tell... Sometimes I find it so weird, there's times where you behave as though nothing happened, other times you behave as though you don't care about anything, and I really don't get your irresponsive reactions... If asked if I can turn back time, would I still choose to confess again??? I really don't know... For now, it seems more like a bad thing has happened, so of course I wouldn't want to do it again... Not because of the fact that I got rejected, but more because I feel that we're not like what we used to be anymore... I miss the days where we'll talk about anything really... The days where you seemed to care about things more, where you take the initiative to do things more, where you are more caring with words and actions... Nowadays, there seemed to be some barrier between us, and whether or not it's because of the amount of workload everyone has, or because of something else, I'm not so certain anymore... As time goes by, I seemed to know you more, but at the same time, I feel so distant around you that it makes me feel as though I don't know you anymore... This feeling is so contradictory, and I'm not enjoying it... Is there no way to go back to how we used to be??? Especially to the time when we first got to know each other??? Did I build this barrier unintentionally between us, or did you??? As for -It was never love that broke her heart, it was losing that love that tore her apart-, I never got the love, so it's impossible to lose it... I just thought it rhymed good, thus used it for my MSN name...

What exactly is ⓛⓞⓥⓔ??? For some reason, it's something I can't totally say I have for you now... It may be a good thing for you, but not for me... Sometimes things seemed to get a little out of hand, and I'm feeling so messed up with my true and perceived feelings for you... And the problem is that I don't actually know if they're the same... The perceived feeling is that I do like you, but the true feeling??? I don't know, it's so hard to explain... Sometimes I seemed to only like you as a friend, but other times I seemed to like you more than just a friend... I can't even tell the difference myself... When you're not around, I can't say I totally misses you, but I can't say I'm not... When you're with her, I can't say I'm not jealous, but I can't say I totally am... When you're being irresponsive, sometimes I'm loving it, sometimes I'm hating it... Anyways, the 'last talk' that I specified today, knowing I had trouble telling you face to face what I wanted to say, thanks for allowing me to pen them down... Thanks for staying back and taking the next bus to allow me to say what I wanted to say... At times my life feels so mundane, and is it because I know that it's impossible between us, and I should probably give up and move on soon, and also how I'm already used to seeing you with her, so I don't seem to feel as hurt anymore??? At times I also ponder about whether the things told by people have been continuously adding up to the stage whereby I reluctantly tell myself it's seriously time to give up, and thus is sorta immune to whatever I see now... Other moments are when I still feel hurt deep down inside, sometimes to the extent where I tell myself to forget and to not care about it anymore, but just can't help probing into it more... Yes, people have asked me what's the point of doing this, since the one ending up hurt is probably still gonna be myself... But I really don't know... I mean, if I do really like him, is it actually possible to give up just like this??? If it is so easy, then do I really like him??? Have I been out of love for a little too long, so I don't actually know how being in love feels like anymore, and I can't tell if it's a friendship love, or otherwise... This post is getting a tad bit draggy and is seriously starting to oppose each other to some extent, but the question is still lying there unresolved: What's the real feeling I have for you??? And is it really true that to forget one person is to find another person??? SIGH...

周杰伦 - 轨迹

(Chorus - 1st part)
我会发着呆
然后忘记你
接着紧紧闭上眼
想着那一天
会有人代替
让我不再想念你