Low Kay Hwa - I Cry for You

The most recent and the longest short story he has written so far. Still a rather worth reading story I reckon, but this one is much more predictable. His stories are always trying to mislead you, but I think after reading so many of his stories, I'm learning to be immune to it already.

P.S. I couldn't italic the whole story here because some of them are meant to stay italic whilst the rest are meant to stay normal.

They once told me that true love suppress all barriers in the world. They once said that if we found the “special” one, we are willing to do anything just to stay in the river of love. One of the love gurus said, “When love comes into play, logic loses its touch and emotions take over everything”.

He was right.

When I held onto the handphone, I pondered hard. You and I are in a different world altogether. Can we ever get married, just like how my cousin got married? Can we ever have children, just like how my brother has? Can we still do things that every single couple did?

I frowned. I hesitated to call you. Why should I dive into this pathetic love when I knew there would be no ending? My hand was shaking. My mind was in a blank.

I was in a mess.

Just like what the love guru said, logic has lost its touch. I dialed the number and called you. I promised that this would be the last call; I have made the promise over five hundred times.

But this time… I promise to fulfill that promise. “Ling En.” I said.

Your name; once upon a time, calling your name made me feel like the happiest man in the world.

Your name; now, calling your name made me frown in tears.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

4th January 2010. That was the day that I first met her.

It was the first day of school and I boarded the bus at six in the morning. I was expecting the bus to be loaded with tens of “kiasu” students since it was the first day of school. However, I was greeted by just five people in the bus.

I marched towards a girl who was wearing the same uniform as me. I did not remember seeing her in school before. As a Secondary Four student, I was one of the oldest batch of students in the school. She must be a freshman. No wonder I had not seen her before.

Attraction works in a weird way. There were over twenty empty seats in the bus. However, even when logic was telling me to sit on one of the empty seats so that I can have a good sleep, I uncontrollably sat beside the girl. She eyed me with the bend of her eyes and looked out to the window.

“Why are you sitting beside me?” the girl suddenly said. I was caught totally off-guard.

“Because I can see dead people.” I said and wondered what the hell was I talking about.

How ironic.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

On the same day, I got to know her name.

My best friend, James, and I were supposed to meet Andy for a basketball game at three. With some spare time, we decided to hang out in the canteen first. Every single seat in the canteen was taken except for the bench that James and I were occupying. We sat and just glance around.

“See any chio sec one girls?” James asked. He lives for only two purposes: Money and girls. If he is studying, he will be studying with his next target. If he is talking to a male friend, he is trying to get some monetary value from the conversation.

“There.” I pointed with my chin. The girl whom I saw in the bus was pacing around the canteen with a taller girl that had pimples all over her face.

“The girl beside the pimple girl is chio.” James muttered. “Eh, they are walking towards here. Take your bag away and let them sit beside us. Quick!”

James’ reaction had never been faster. Within the next second, our bags were tucked below the bench. The pimple girl pointed to the empty seat beside us and motioned the bus girl to sit there while she went to buy food.

“I’ll be back soon, Ling En.” Pimple girl said.

Ling En stopped in her track. She was eyeing me as if I was her long-lost friend. I kept my eye contact with her.

“No.” Ling En said. She began to walk away. “Not here.”

“Why?” Pimple girl asked.

Ling En gave me a fleeting glance. Was there a smile? “Because I can see dead people.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You always answered the phone with a lot of enthusiasm. After three years being together, I nearly forgot your real name. Ling En. That was your real name. Do you remember mine?

I wanted to end it now. Today. Today I will conquer my emotions with logic. Anthony Robbins once said that emotions are controlled by motions. If we change our motions, we can manipulate our emotions. That being said, I just need to blurt out the things I had memorized.

“Hello, darling!” Ling En yelled. “How’s your day?”

“Ling En,” I whispered. “Let’s just end it.”

“What? What, why? Why all of a sudden - ? We promised! You promised that even if I –”

“What’s the point?” I looked down. Logic, I told myself. Don’t get clouded by emotions. Just mouth out the logical words. Just read the script! “Look, Ling En, a human and… a ghost can never be together. I just want to live a normal life.”

“No, you promised. You remember after the accident, you promise that we will stay together? Why are you breaking your promise? You can’t just break your promise! We agree to stay together forever, even if we can only talk to each other on the phone every night! How –”

“I’ve been thinking.” I said. The words in the script jumbled up. Don’t let emotions control you. Control the emotions! “We can’t live in the past. I need to live normally. Sorry.”

“You can’t just leave me alone here –”

I pushed the red button on my phone and lay back onto the sofa. It was logically the correct decision, but emotionally, my mind was telling me that it was entirely wrong.

Because two hours after the call, I was still crying like a little boy.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

In our love story, three scenes were etched in my mind: The first day we met, the first kiss we had and the day when the accident took place.

We had our first kiss one month after we met each other. A few days after the “I see dead people” scene, I saw her again in my CCA. She had joined National Police Cadet Corps: NPCC. I was tasked to teach the new recruits on the basics of marching.

“No horse kick!” I shouted. I showed them how a horse kick looks like: Stomping the ground without creating a “L” shape with my leg. “This is a horse kick!”

“Only a horse will do a horse kick.” In the platoon, Ling En said.

“Did you just say something?”

“Actually, it wasn’t me. It was my mouth.” Ling En replied. She was still wearing her PE t-shirt as they had not gotten their NPCC uniform. “Do you always ask stupid questions?”

I marched towards her and stared intently into her eyes. I have to admit during that time, I was attracted to her big eyes. “Drop ten now.”

“I don’t have ten.” Ling En said as she fished something out from her pocket. “How about I give you twenty, horse-face?”

Ling En dropped a twenty-cent coin on the ground and everyone laughed. I bit my teeth and slapped her lightly on the shoulder – not for fun, but due to anger.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And three weeks later, I slapped her shoulder for fun.

“You hit me first!” she kept on exclaiming. She slapped me back. We were like two primary school children trying to figure out who hit whom first. After twenty slaps, I leaned forward. She leaned forward as well.

“You kiss me first.” I said.

I nearly wanted to run away; what was I saying? Nothing like that had come to me. Through the last three weeks, we had grown closer. We would tease each other like two little kids in school. We would play “catching” like some kindergarten kids. We would not care about what others think. Once, a teacher scolded her for slapping me in the chest. I scolded the teacher and got two days of detention. Ling En stayed back in school just to slap me back for those two days.

“No.” She said and turned away. Her cheek was facing me.

I leaned forward and kissed her cheek. She yelled aloud and jumped away from me. She had a look of disgust on her face when she faced me, like someone had just spit at her. “What – what are you doing?”

“You dared me!” I yelled. I stepped forward and wanted to slap her for fun again – just to get the playful environment back.

“Kelvin!” I turned and felt my heart in my throat. It was Mrs. Yeo, the discipline mistress. She is, no doubt, the fiercest woman in Singapore (no, correction. The world). “That is sexual harassment! You tried to kiss Ling En. That is a very serious offence. Come with me – come! I said, MOVE!”

In my mind, I thought shit…

Ling En moved towards me. “Mrs. Yeo, it’s not sexual harassment if I’m a willing party.” She tiptoed and kissed on my cheek right in front of Mrs. Yeo. “It’s just BGR. A boyfriend and girlfriend thingy. It’s not encouraged, but it’s not an offence, isn’t it? Don’t you kiss your husband before you get married?”

We got five days of detention and those were the happiest days of my life.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I had not called you for one month since then and I decided that I’ll never call you again.

Like what I told you, a ghost and a human will never have a future. Emotionally we can still connect… but logically, we will never be together. We can never have the physical desire: I can never kiss you because I cannot see you. You can never touch me because you cannot see me.

Fate works in a strange way, isn’t it?

Ever since the accident, we had maintained communication. After the funeral, I realized I was able to call you with my mobile phone. All I needed to do is to dial your number, whisper your name and I would amazingly hear your voice. Initially, I thought my mind was just playing pranks on me. I told everyone about it and they told me that I was having some kind of post-traumatic disorder. After three months, when I was still able to talk to you, I knew it was not crazy: it was just something that cannot be explained by science.

We tried meeting up, but when we were in the streets, I could not see you. You had told me on the phone that you were there and I was there too. However, fate was not forgiving enough: We can talk to each other but not see each other.

Apparently, I was the one who has the ability to call you. You could not call me no matter how you tried. Fate really works in a callous manner: Giving me love but no connection. Providing the emotions but not the platform.

We made a promise. No, our emotions made a promise: Even when one of us is dead, we would still love each other forever. Like what Low Kay Hwa wrote in his 2010 novel, The Perfect Story, “marriage is just a fucking contract”. Pardon his language, but it is just so true. True love is when two are truly in love without the need to get married.

But…

I got tired. I got tired of calling you every night and not seeing you. I wanted to think logically. I wanted to go back to my world and live normally. I did not want to live in a relationship that will never blossom.

Hate me all you can; but I hope when you are there, in the other world, you can also find your happiness.

Just forget me.

I know it’s hard, because every night, I hold on to the phone, dial your number but hang up immediately. I know it’s not easy, because when I tried to forget you, your image appeared in my mind again.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If there is really a need to count, I had been in a relationship with Ling En for exactly 1,253 days when the accident occurred.

I was studying in Polytechnic and was waiting for Ling En outside her school. When she skipped out of the school like a little girl, we had a quick bear hug before I held her hand towards the road.

“Ninety-one.” She told me. I did not even need to know what she was referring to: We were so close that I knew she was talking about her Mathematics examination result. “Five points for careless mistakes. If not for that, I’ll get ninety-six.”

I planted a kiss on her forehead. She had become a regular in the detention room as we were always caught kissing each other outside her school. Even when we were caught, we continued to do it. Emotions had taken over everything. In fact, I had become a blacklisted figure in the school. Every single teacher, when they saw me, they would call Mrs. Yeo. The moment Mrs. Yeo came out of the school, my question would always be “Is Ling En released?”

Ling En became the rebel of the school. We don’t care what status she had gotten: All we knew, and wanted, was to love each other. Some people hated our relationship as we had made BGR a taboo in the school, but all were envious of our love for each other. Heck the school rules, heck every single logical talk.

The driver had been drinking.

The car – a black Hyundai Tuscani… how can I ever forget? – was propelling towards us. Ling En was still telling me about her results and how she could have gotten better grades. I saw the car.

And saw how near it was to hitting us.

Ling En did not see the car. She was so absorbed in telling me her grades that she did not even hear the car.

I released the grip on our hands and pushed Ling En away with my greatest might. I did not know where Ling En landed; all I knew was that immediately after that, a hard object hit my waist and a rush of pain flushed from my legs to my brain. I could feel my organs being smashed and the moment I opened my eyes, my head hit the ground and a cracking sound exploded in my head.

I had only one second of thought between life and death upon the accident, and I thought of Ling En.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Are you in Junior College now? Have you found a better person to love?

Are you happy now?

Here, all my friends told me to forget about you. One of the girls who also died from a car accident two years ago told me that people tend to forget easily if there is no communication. If there is no platform for connection.

Is it true?

I hope so. Because it has been six months since I called you and I am still thinking of you. But in order for life to go on, you must strive to forget me.

A wandering soul like me can never be with you, Ling En.

*Taken from Low Kay Hwa's Fan Page notes.