Depression...

I feel... Sometimes I do feel... I have got depression... Like seriously... Depression...

Symptoms of depression:

Mood
-feeling sad, moody or crap
-feeling hopeless or helpless
-feeling numb or empty
-feeling anxious
-feeling guilty and blaming yourself
-unable to feel good or enjoy things that you do normally

Thinking
-being overly self-critical
-believing you can't cope and that things are out of your control
-difficulty making decisions and thinking clearly
-poor concentrating and memory
-thinking about suicide or ending your life

Behaviour
-lack of motivation and energy
-crying a lot
-losing interest in activities you usually enjoy
-withdrawing from your friends and family or being overly dependent on them
-increased use of alcohol or other drugs
-losing your temper more than usual

Physical
-loss of appetite or over-eating
-changes in sleep patterns ~ difficulty getting to sleep, waking up in the middle of the night or sleeping for longer
-headaches or stomach aches
-feeling physically sick
-lack of interest in sex

Out of the 22 symptoms listed, I probably have got almost 20 of them... On the outside, as much as I seem like the cheerful girl who never fails to be random and smiles alot, deep inside is a different person... I often felt like I live two separate lives; one is the one friends at school see me, teachers see me, family sees me... But deep inside is another person that often feels the above symptoms since young...

When I was born, I was seen as an ugly black looking child where grandparents sees it and go 'Did they get the wrong baby?'... Since born, unlike other newborns where they get to be with their mum everyday; I was in a separate hospital, thus away from every possible kin... Then I had to get thrown to my dad's friend who couldn't look after me properly, so I got into one of my aunt's hands and she managed to bring me up a little til the age of 2... Then I had to get passed back to my family, and with my mum busy with work, I was often left alone at home with a milk bottle on the bed beside me, and I often even wonder if I was constantly staring at my milk bottle then... Then I got into the hands of a nanny, the same one with my younger brother, and she was a FREAK FREAK, like she threatened us with many awful things, imagine a group of 5-7 kids around 3-6 years old sitting in front of her and getting threatened... And she tried to feed us all with one big plate; one mouthful each going in a circle routine...

Can't remember much about Kindergarten, and the only Primary School memory is getting bumps on my head every second day when I try get to the canteen earlier by taking this shortcut where we have to jump into this hole that leads us to the canteen faster... Does sound like fun indeed... Primary 2 was a disaster because I had to learn to cook myself, bascially instant noodles, and times where I had to cook for everyone in my family except my mum who is at work... I was like the second mum at home, every single day had to wait for the child care centre lady to come pick my younger brother off from Kindergarten, and that lady is forever late, causing me to run to school everyday, and 75% of the time I'm always late, thus had to be punished to stand at the Hall while everyone was sitting down... Guess being a tardy queen was what I was since young...

Had an awful childhood I would say, having always to take the dogs for a walk when I've got so much other stuff to do, and it's not like I was the only one who is a human at home, and I'll never forget that incident(s), and all those fortune teller predictions coming, telling me I've got to be cautious of this and that... Getting whacked by my dad because of the dumbest thing, like didn't get 100% in my Chinese spelling and got whacked with the mouth bleeding at 1am in the morning when I was 7 was something I'd never forget to... Often had to cover up the bruises from wooden sticks or canes in school, thank god school skirts in Singapore were below the knee really... Often cried myself to sleep since young, and High School in Australia wasn't much better...

One issue I also had to deal with was the bias-ness of people... Me being the middle child in the family, often doesn't get as much as the others... Dad dotes on older brother more, buys him mobile phones, mp3, computer etc, everything goes to him first, which to some extent can't be blamed since he will most likely use them first, but that's when he gets all the good stuff first... Then Mum dotes on younger brother more, because he's 'always so young', well technically he's forever gonna be the youngest child, so it means he's gonna be spoon-fed forever... I had to cook and be independent myself since the age of 8, and now my younger brother is already 17, and most things still have to be done for him... Have to cook noodles for him, have to take care of him... Then where was my share of care when I was young??? I wasn't even trained to be independent, I was made to be independent...

It's just unfair cause I was always told to wash my own clothes, even when I went back to Singapore last year, when I had to work, my mum's still hell like 'You should wash your clothes blah blah blah'... My younger brother's on holidays, older brother's out everyday, and they aren't even told to wash anything... At least I still take the initiative to wash the dishes at home, and even swept the ground when I was off, while both brothers don't even do anything, and oh they get everything!!! My mum would cook and heat up food for them, and she'd just say 'Oh, you know how to cook, so go cook yourself'... Well did I want to know how to cook myself??? Did I not want to be like them and have someone feed me after I've played on the computer or out all day??? When you don't cook or do anything that belongs to you, like folding your own clothes, they would scream at you for not doing so, saying why are girls so untidy blah blah blah... And when guys have a room full of stuff everywhere, they're not being told off, and they'd have someone to fold them all neatly and tidy for them... If not, you would be the one asked to do so for them, because you're the girl, the one who should be neat and tidy and help out at home all the time-.-

Why must they have such a traditioned mindset of girls doing everything and helping out at home while guys never had to do anything??? Even women are out at work nowadays, it's not like the past where they stay home and get fed by their husband's so-called hard earned money... Women have to work for the family now as well, so why can't the husbands be a bit more sensitive and actually help out at home instead of 'Oh I'm so tired from work, I deserve a rest'... I would always have to be the one to hang out clothes when they're washed, and collect them back in when they're dried... Some bullcrap theory of 'Oh your younger brother can't take it in cause he's still young', still this, still that... Well he's taller than me now, so what if he's 2 years younger, is there a law that says that you can't help your mum hang out clothes unless you're over a certain age level???

Whenever asked, do you miss you mum??? Most of the time I would say NO... Perhaps it's because this is already my 5th year in Perth, so technically I've spent a quarter of my life away from my Mum in a foreign country, taking into account she took up many jobs when we were young, and we were often away from her, so we don't even have that close a bond that was built up since young like how other kids have with their parents... Moreover, since I've been independent, I can cook wash eat live myself, it's just a little more time consuming doing things yourself, otherwise I am able to survive well enough... Like some people said, I could probably get married off right now... Not that I wanna get married so early anyways, plus a fortune teller thing said I couldn't get married early, so too bad... People who wants to see me get married will have to wait for another ten years or so... But to think about it, by then most of my friends around me would have gotten married... Hmmm...

*You said you think you were the main culprit causing my depression like symptoms, perhaps it was you, but prolly not mainly you because the unhappiniess all began since young... So it became a lifehood thing...