I don't love you anymore...

Why did you have to come online??? It never used to be like that... Every single time you come online, you would always talk to me, ask me if I'm there, and would want to know what I'm doing etc etc... When does my heart feel flustered the moment you come online??? I don't know what to do, what to do if you talked to me??? What should I say??? Should I reply???

And oh wait, that's right, I remember, you would not talk to me... Because you would never initiate anything... You haven't been sending a text message, I have not heard from you for 2 days... So guess I shall not panic...

Who are you??? I feel like I don't know you at all now... You feel like a complete stranger to me now... I don't even know you... The once so familiar MSN look, with that display picture, with that display name... None of them are there anymore... Everything that was built up in the past months have gone down the drain... Are you feeling drained out too??? Are you feeling there's no point in persisting on anymore??? Therefore you're letting go of every single thing you've once said to me, that you've once promised me, that you've once made me make a promise to you... Yes you know why I never wanted to promise you anything, it's all because of this... Why make a promise you'll be devoted to each other forever when something like this could always happen, and til then the promises once made were all broken... You were always always holding on more than I ever did, and now you're letting go more freely than I ever would... Are you tired of giving in to the demanding me??? Can you not take it anymore???



Isn't it true??? Aren't we like this now???

All I can ever do now is submerge myself into studying... Drown myself in a pool of chocolate bars... After all, you're not there to comment on it anymore... Or try make me run 10 rounds for every chocolate bar I eat... Or pinch your cheek on webcam to signify how fat I'm getting...



What will happen to our agreement??? Are we still sending stuff to each other every month on that particular date??? Are we still gonna write a bunch of letters and send them??? It's like 10 more days to our 7th month, but guess you just decided not to wait for it aye??? But again, it doesn't seem to bother you as much... You never had the intention of sending anything anyways... Certain things I've definitely reminded you umpteen times, just like the watch... Did the watch not mean anything to you at all??? Well of course to your mum yes, but oh it just wasn't that important to you, so oops, you forgot about it... It's fine, but if you really really had the intention of giving it away, and after being back for 1 month already, no way there's no time for you to send it when you definitely had time for family, friends, everyone and everything else... It's all because you never ever wanted to send it, and worse still, when I asked you about it, you said you had already sent it, when you actually completely forgotten about it-.- I'm not out to get it from you regardless of whatever when I know it belonged to your mum... But don't come to me one day and say excitedly 'My mum is giving you this watch!' and then you forgot about it and said I already had it-.- Don't tell me you were giving it to me when you had no intention of doing so... I'm not the type to wanna 'swallow' all your stuff away...

You never had the intention of doing anything, otherwise in the past year, you would have already sent something... It was often so hard to even get you to write me a letter, whilst throughout the past year, cross your heart and ask yourself how many things have I sent you??? How many things have I done for you??? It's not a like a quantitative thing here, it's all about intentions... I do not want you to do things for me because you felt it was an obligation... I want you to do it purely because you wanted to do it from your heart... Every single time it always felt like you were obliged to do this and that for me, and you know that's not what I wanted... You also know that that was always a problem between what your parents thought about me... I've always told you to do things your own way, but I'm only there to help to analyse what is right and wrong to do since I analyse a lot... I'm not saying my analysing is always right, but at least it's opinions you can choose to heed from or not... I'm not there to demand you to do things that benefit me... 我不是牵着你的鼻子走的人... If you reckon what I said is wrong, you shouldn't follow what I say, then don't do it... Don't make it feel like oh, I'll be upset if you don't do it... If it's wrong, why follow???

Like I've always told you, you cannot just think in one direction... You cannot just think of your goal, and a way to get to your goal, then that's it... You have to think what if obstacles comes up??? What are some of the obstacles??? How can you handle them??? You can say why should you even bother wasting so much time thinking of all these miscellaneous when you could be spending the time wisely on other things... But so far, of the many things you have done, tell me which of them didn't require even more time and effort trying to settle them??? When you didn't heed my advice and decided to come in Easter, yes I was happy, but did you remember how long we tried settling other issues like how the ticket prices were going up further and faster than we expected, how your parents were fully unhappy about your persistence??? Then you gave me such a headache, trying to settle so much when I've got so much other stuff to do as well...

And do you remember you gave me another issue about the Exchange program??? Yes I know why you want to do an Exchange, how it would benefit both of us... But you can't just call up your parents one day, tell them you decide you want to do an Exchange program, with them shocked with your decision, thinking what the hell just happened to their once so seemingly obedient kid, who has just got a girlfriend, and became so 'rebellious' in making decisions himself, thinking everything is right, and he'll go fine doing it...

You can't set yourself a goal say go to a particular island, and the way to get there is by a boat, so that's all you go ahead doing it... What if you planned food for a day and your journey was delayed and there wasn't enough food??? What if there was heavy rain which prevented you to get to your destination??? Some things you can't only think of a solution when trouble happens, you need to have alternatives and precautions taken...

You can't set a goal to visit your loved one, and the way to do it is to visit her, then oh that's what you should do to attain the goal... What if something occurs and you have to go back to Singapore instead??? What if flights were cancelled, and you can't go anymore??? What if your parents changed your mind about everything, and you've got no choice??? What if your studies didn't go well and you had to do Summer School??? I know there's always endless of what if(s), and of course, how many of them can you actually prevent them from happening??? But the thing is, have you ever thought that obstacles could ever happen??? Have you got alternatives planned out??? Have you even thought about anything else other than your 'straight planned-out path'???

Certain things you can't always just go straight... Like a MRT train track, because it's well above, it can just follow the rails and go along... But to get to Orchard, you can't just follow the train tracks because you would have to cross rivers and forests and buildings that are well in the way... You would have to make turns along the way... I'm not saying to get your goal you have to be crafty and evil and has a motive... But if you have to do it, and it doesn't result in that bad an outcome, then why not??? Everyone, including you and me, will have their own best interests at heart... It's not selfish as we had learnt in Microeconomics, it's self interests... Of course that is a generalisation, because there are some people who would sacrifice themselves to save others... But in general, if a fire outbreak occurs, you think people would run for their lives, or try save others and sacrifice themselves???

In conclusion, I was never that important to you... All you ever do is say it, but not mean it... Everything you say sounds so sweet, and what has your actions proven??? Nothing!!! All because your actions showed nothing, nothing at all... It showed nothing like what you said you would do... You never bothered... Just like how you would rather play FarmVille on Facebook right now at this moment in time, instead of salvaging anything at all... And go screw yourself with your whatever bull crap theory of 'Oh, I'm not talking to her for at least two weeks so she can calm herself down'... If this is the best you can do, then I think it's much better to leave it like this now, cause I think it was totally wrong to have started with you, and it would be better off if you could just disappear from my life!!!


And why give me such a huge bear, that takes up more than half of my pillow, more than half the width of my bed, which totally resembles YOU when you were here, and try tell me right now that I'm better off without YOU???

I really wish I don't love you anymore...